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Welcome to Remy's
​sleep program 



Here you will find information and supporting links to help you through the journey for better sleep.

You will be able to visit this site whenever you need as we work together, and you will be able to revisit any task, recordings and information up to 8 weeks after the end of our program, on 2nd December 2022.

To protect your information, I will erase this page on 20th February 2022

Here is the zoom link for all calls: 

https://us02web.zoom.us/j/86000033569?pwd=KzFwcU9qcVNNaHpJcUU5WlBHdzE4dz09

Meeting ID: 860 0003 3569
Passcode: 740974

​

21st October 2021

Dear Sarah and Christoph.

It was good to talk to you today and hear about you, your family, and your sleep situation. This session was mostly to help me understand the background, and support you with some ideas to move forward. This session was also about some simple sleep education, and to help you understand how we will work together over the coming weeks.

As you know, I work differently to other sleep consultants. My approach is very gentle and respectful of children's development. I also hold parent's mental health very close and for many parents, my gentle approach is what enables them to improve their child's sleep in a way that feels right for them. 

Over the next 6 weeks I will guide and support you to work towards your goals. We are also going to work out what is realistic, and age/developmentally appropriate for Remy. I find that it helps to tackle sleep in small steps, so that it doesn’t become overwhelming therefore each week I will suggest further tasks to work on.


You told me that you would like :
  • To improve / lengthen both naps and night time sleep
  • To try to get a rough rhythm with both milk and solid feeding and in turn sleeping.
  • To try to get Remy to nap in his bed without you having to take him on endless walks/pram rides etc.

It is likely that in order to achieve these goals, we will need to work on: 
  • Timings of naps
  • Guide Remy to a more predictable rhythm to the day (set a rough time to wake up, for solid meals, and for naps)
  • Optimizing the bedtime routine
  • Layer new ways to fall asleep in addition to movement and/or constant contact
  • ​Night time techniques to stitch sleep cycles (but still expecting Remy to wake up 2 or 3 times for feeds)


 Probable reasons for your current sleep situation 

Having had a look at your sleep diary and spending time talking to you about your child and your situation,  my guess is that your current issues are multifactorial but may include faulty sleep hygiene, too little sleep in the day, uneven distribution of sleep in the 24 hours, emotional needs and wanting to connect (normal for Remy's age). There may, of course, be other reasons, such as habits and normal baby behaviour.

The reality is that there is always something that could be improved with sleep.

You’re doing an amazing job of parenting respectfully and responsively, and your sleep situation is not only normal, but common. You have not done anything wrong, and Remy is actually sleeping within the average amount for his age. However, you’re describing a situation that has become unsustainable, and so we can work to address and optimize these areas to hopefully improve Remy’s sleep. 

I look forward to working with you closely over the next few weeks, and moving you and Remy on in your sleep story, without using techniques that might affect attachment, trust and connection. 

Thank you for choosing to work gently – you will never regret it! ​
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Week 1 

The focus this week is on having a predictable rhythm to the day (mainly led by dramatic wake up and meals) and working on adjusting the naps.

Focus on being quite consistent with wake up time and meal times in particular. This will give the body strong signals about the rhythm of the day.

This week we will work on the following points:
  • Quick wins
  • Introduce regular wake up time - 6:30am (30 minutes earlier or later is fine)
  • Encourage more day time sleep -  at least 3 hours
  • Encourage the first nap to happen 2h after waking up ( but be guided by Remy). the following awake windows can be longer, up to 2h45m. Next week we will go deeper on this point, but for now just focus on encouraging more sleep in the day.
  • Introduce a breakfast 
  • Keep meals at roughly the same time each day. 
  • Have a little ritual at meal times eg. sit down, have a little plate or put a bib on. 

​Visit First steps nutrition for ideas of meals and portion sizes . You can scroll down and download the ' Eating well: the first year. A guide to introducing solids and eating well up to baby's birthday'
Booking call - 21th October 2021

Quick wins.
​You can print it by clicking on each picture.

Week 2

This week we will work on:
  • Timing of bedtime
  • Bedtime routine
  • Calming down ahead of bedtime routine
  • Add new sleep cues
  • Carry on working on naps and meals
As expected, with more sleep in the day Remy is now able to stay awake for longer in the evening and we can adjust his bedtime. You are right that he seems to need around 10 hours of sleep in the night, so let's work with that. 

This week's work is around the end of the day!

Bedtime routine


​Your bedtime routine is really good but we can adjust a little to better suit a growing baby. Consider adding another element or two (perhaps a massage and a book?). 

​On the video below you can find detailed information about bedtime routine.

​And here are the main points on the video with suggestions for your family:



The point of the bedtime routine is to give a predictable and soothing end to the day that is positive, reassuring and familiar. 

The bedtime from a child’s perspective – This is the time of preparing for separation. 

Consistent bedtime routine is key!

Here are the three most important elements of a fantastic bedtime routine

1 -- It needs to have a predictable rhythm:

Think of having 3 or 4 elements you do before bedtime -- Every single day and in the same order -- (as much as possible) . 

What you are already doing is lovely - a wash, into pyjama/sleeping bag,  Brahms lullaby, dark room and pink noise, bottle, rocking.

We can see there are some changes in environment and a couple of 'getting ready' elements, but most of the connecting and calming is coming from the bottle and rocking (and sometimes from extra breastfeed).

The objective of the bedtime routine is to repeat that predictable rhythm and to fill your child’s love tank so you need to add one or two short elements that are connecting. 

Often there is a misunderstanding about the function of the bedtime routine. It is important to have a bedtime routine and before that, a period of winding down. These two are separate happenings that take place before sleep. The function of the bedtime routine is to create a feeling of connection and safety. Babies also need to wind down ahead of the bedtime routine.  A short version of winding down and the bedtime routine is also to be used before naps to recreate the little ritual before sleep. 

If Remy is very tired, then skip all preparations and just help him to sleep quickly.

The winding down are few activities before the bed time routine. Perhaps a fun but brief tickle fight to release energy followed by a feed to chill and calm. This is a time you are managing the environment - making it calmer in preparation for sleep. Up to 30 minutes ahead of starting the bedtime routine should be enough.

Now that Remy is able to stay awake for longer after dinner, you have time to introduce a brief wind down time.



2 -- It needs to be not too long and not too short:

If it is too long, he will loose focus and start playing and being distracted again. If it is too short, he will just not have enough time to fill that love tank.
For babies Remy's age, the routine might be lasting around 30 minutes.

3 -- It needs to be calming and reassuring:

So YOU need to be calm and in a good place of mind.

Get prepared! In a practical and in a mental way.

  • Have everything you need handy. Perhaps even pyjamas and nappies in the bathroom for after the wash or all ready in the bedroom.
  • Make sure you are not hungry. 
  • Perhaps have a list of what happens in the bedtime routine, so you can relax and not need to remember.
  •  Perhaps have some calming music YOU like or some talking relaxation (if this is your type of thing) playing in the back ground. So You also take the time to slow down. It will make the bedtime routine nicer for you as well as your child and it will help your little one go down easier.


Be consistent with the bedtime routine: do the same things in the same order, every night!

​Adding sleep cues 

 In order to help Remy to fall asleep with other ways besides constant close contact or movement, first wee need to layer new sleep cues to later shift away from the close contact and movement. This is called habit stacking and is the most gentle way to shift the input at sleep time.

So, from this week, every time you are helping Remy to sleep add shushing and patting (or anything else that works for you) at the same time that you contact nap or feed him to sleep. If you are out for a walk, then don't worry about it! 

Nap and bedtime timing adjustments

You have done some great work with the naps this last week!

This week, focus on the distribution of naps:
  • First nap - 2h after waking up.
  • The following awake windows can be longer, up to 2h45m.
  • Leave up to 3 hours before bedtime
Here is a suggestion:
Wake up at 6am
nap 1 at 8am (he seems to sleep for around 2 hours)
nap 2 at 12:30pm (sleeps for around 30 min)
nap 3 at 3:30pm (sleeps for 1 hour)
bedtime at 7:30pm

Bedtime
Now that Remy is sleeping more in the day, wee need to adjust the bedtime. 
The bedtime will be determined roughly by the distribution of naps. I would suggest a later bedtime, closer to 7:30pm.

Week 3

There has been a lot happening in your lives this past week, with moving to England. Therefore, this week I suggest you to continue working on the points form last week - with a few extra details.
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This week's wins!
  • It has been quicker for Remy to fall asleep
  • There are longer stretches of sleep at night
  • Remy is eating much better
  • There are set meal times
  • You have stopped rocking to sleep
  • Remy has adapted to UK time really well! 

Tasks for this week

  • Carry on working on adjusting the bedtime routine. 
  • Introduce a very brief version of the bedtime routine for naps (no longer than 10 min or so)
  • Carry on shifting the bedtime 10 minutes or so later every couple of days (be guided by Remy if he needs longer than 2 days to adjust)
  • Experiment with shortening the 1st nap to 1 hour long so he is more ready to sleep by lunch. You may find the second nap may start a bit earlier.
  • Reach out if you need, so we can work out the nap times together

At bedtime routine, I suggest you add one or two elements that are connecting. At the moment this function is fulfilled by the feeding and cuddles (nothing wrong with that). Remember to end the routine with something that is also calming.
​Here are a few ideas for you to try that may work for Remy:
  • deep pressure massage ( simple strokes bellow)
  • movement (but not super exciting and fast)
  • vibration (toys, snakes)
  • arms to midline (as bellow)
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  • flexion postures (see bellow, but think of baby's position as if he was on a large exercise ball instead of flat on your leg)
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Week 4

  • Add new games to the day
  • Carry on with last week’s work - pushing bedtime later, helping Remy nap during the day (cap first and second naps to 1 hour each and try and fit a third nap), leaving up to 3 hours awake before bedtime, being consistent with bedtime routine
  • Start working on moving away from walking on the sling to sleep and from constant contact for naps
Play ideas
  • pick-a-boo
  • hide toys under a kitchen tower then pretend it is a banana when it is a teddy
  • chase and miss game: Parent can then grab a chair and kiss it, then go’ oh, no, this is not you!’
  • human tug-of-war: parents “fight” for a piece of the child. ‘ want her. No I do. I have the best part…’
  • blowing bubbles
  • copying baby
  • blowing raspberries
  • treasure baskets  

It will be helpful to have organised pauses to lower the energy levels from time to time.
Stopping contact napping

One of your goals was to promote independent sleep for Remy. So below you can find a way of doing that. Start from whichever phase you are at and remember to keep moving forwards! Little, but constant steps!

At first practice this during the day, and you can also start doing it at night.

Remember that any changes you make at night, very likely will at first give you less sleep. But later it will bring you more and longer sleep.

The idea is to increase Remy’s confidence in sleeping with less contact.


Phase 1: Separating the feeding from sleeping 


  • You offer him a feed lying down and at the same time you offer verbal support – shushing, humming, slow and loud breathing, key words, singing. This should be loud enough that your child can hear you and be reassured of your presence. You may also need to pat or rub your child's back. 
If doing this at night, whatever support you give at bedtime, you should do in the middle of the night as well. 
  • You gradually reduce the duration of feed so Remy is falling asleep with different support tools instead of while feeding.
  • Then gradually reduce the shushing and patting support so Remy knows you are there but response is significantly reduced
  • At this stage you are still very close to him during the nap


Phase 2: Implementing Constant Presence 

  • When you are present with your child, this alone is giving them a lot of support. Often interacting with them is not necessary and can detract from sleeping. So do the minimum that your child needs.
  • Start by helping Remy to fall asleep with shushing and patting (and not feeding) whilst very close to you.
  • Then once he is in deep sleep, move away from him. A little at a time. If he wakes up, use shushing and patting to help him back to sleep. You may want to consider if moving on the mattress is actually waking him up.
There is likely going to be some back and forth. So if Remy fusses in the new step, you can move back to the last step for support and then go back to the new step. But try and make sure your child falls asleep with the new step (in this case, just shushing and patting to sleep) to get them into the habit of drifting off to sleep in the new way.

  • Next, help him fall asleep with a little distance between the two of you , using just shushing and patting. At this point, you will probably need to increase the support you offer for a while (for example adding singing or reassuring phrases)
  • Then help him fall asleep with you sitting next to the bed. But still holding his hand, or rubbing his tummy, patting, shushing 
  • Then start decreasing the patting etc and encouraging Remy to fall asleep with you just resting your hand on his tummy (but keeping it still)
  • For most babies, the last element to decrease is the shushing

Week 5

We are approaching the end of our time together and you have achieved 2 out of your 3 goals. 

This week I'd suggest you
  • reflect on what your priorities are at the moment
  • make a conscious decision on what to work on next
  • 'go for it' - what ever 'it' is

If you decide that making changes to the contact naps and the nights are a priority, then you will find suggestions on how to proceed bellow.

​I also wanted to share with you a few videos and information on topics we briefly talked about on our last call.
Some information on attachment, emotional regulation, rupture and repair and the wonderful job you are doing as a parent


I think this is what we were briefly talking about, in terms of attachment etc 

How to help children regulate their emotions https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fJXsyUexs30
From 1min 10sec the speaker talks about what is happening in the first year.

Rupture and repair is hugely important for the emotional development of babies. It is not expected that parents will always get it right or that babies will never get stressed.  Here is a short video on this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cbfuBex-3jE&t=1s 

I really don’t want to minimise the effects of toxic stress on brain development, but often there is a too rough generalization on what is actually happening. Basically, some stress is fine and actually important to build resilience, but too much stress or being too much stressed alone can be a problem. So you see, there is a difference here. Also, another important and protective factor is the buffering effect that responsive parents have on the child’s stress intake. 

Here is a short article on this https://developingchild.harvard.edu/science/key-concepts/toxic-stress/ 

There is also the talk bellow about mentalization and from 9 minutes the speaker talks about quality time and the need for parents to help their children to solve their problems  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MJ1Y9zw-n7U 

So our job as a parent is not to create a world for our children that has no stress or problems. Instead, our job is to help them with their problems.

It is also expected, from a neurobiological perspective, that we WILL get it wrong sometimes and that we won’t always be able to immediately solve all of their problems, but helping and being with them through it is enough to build positive relationships, positive brain connections and resiliency. 


So, bringing it to you and Remy…. You are doing so amazing at all this! You’ve been there for Remy so much and now that he is entering the older baby stage, you are adapting and changing to his new needs. Helping him to learn new ways to fall asleep (the patting, shushing etc) is not going to be easy for Remy, but you and Chris are there through it all.

​
  • You know he can do it as it was fine the other night with Chris. 
  • You know he feels more comfortable when he doesn’t drink loads of milk throughout the night (still expecting a couple of feeds though)

So now you just need to show Remy and practice together with other ways to fall asleep - trust he can do it! 

These new ways may be waiting to see if he settles himself in his active way, or with Chris doing one of the wakeups, or by you doing the step-by-step suggested last week (to stop the contact nap). 

It may be helpful for you and Chris to decide when you are going to do each of these. For example:
  • At bedtime shush and pat to sleep and be patient while Remy moves about to fall asleep (do help him before he is upset).
  • Then at 10 pm awake feed him and shush to sleep.
  • At 1am perhaps Chis goes to him.
  • Next awake, feed him.
  • After that do what is easiest for you (perhaps bringing him to your bed)


​If you were to try the bedtime nap, here is a suggestion:
  • sleep at around 6 - 6:30pm for about 30 min
  • wake him up and offer feed
  • stay awake for at least 1 1/12 hours
  • start the usual bedtime routine ending with patting and shushing

This will be a late bedtime that in time will become earlier but not as early as now. We will then observe what Remy does and if it helps him sleep for longer stretches at night and needing less input. Please note it will likely take a few nights to settle and for us to see if it works or not (it usually does)

​The other thought from our conversation I wanted to pick up on was that Remy WILL NOT have the contact naps for ever. I can guarantee it eventually will stop, but it may take a long while. So you need to think what you want to do now:

Do you want to carry on with both contact naps? 
Do you want to carry on with the morning contact nap and actively work on the 2nd nap?
Do you want to stop both contact naps?


Once you have decided and committed to one of these that take action (or not if you chose the first option). Be consistent in working on the naps that you decided and keep taking small steps forward (follow the suggestion from last week).

                                 Changes will only happen if you change things

Final week

So much has happened in your lives and in terms of baby development whilst we have worked together. There were lots of ups and downs but you managed to make progress nevertheless. 

On this last week, I want to remind you on the steps you have been working on, and should continue to work on, to achieve your goals.
​
I also want to send you some final suggestions and details on how to encourage Remy to fall asleep with less intense support and a few other suggestions related to eating food, naps averages, portion size and average amount of milk and a few ideas to improve your own sleep.

Here are the 4 points to focus on to see changes in sleep:
  • Having a regular wake up time - 6:30am as a suggestion (30 minutes earlier or later is fine)
  • Rough rhythm to the day guided by 3 meals
  • ​Working on sleep boundaries during naps and at night
  • ​Further adjusting the naps
  • ​Increasing the amount of calories (through milk and food) during the day
Naps
There has been some great improvements here, and now, sometimes Remy is having 2 hours long naps.
To further adjust the naps in a way that gives you more flexibility, you could explore with timings and durations of naps. 

Whenever you try something new, keep doing it for 3 - 5 days to see if it works or not.

Here goes a suggestion. All nap timings have a 30 minutes grace time:
  • Morning naps at usual time (but no later than 3 hours after waking up). Cap it to 1 1/2 hour
  • Afternoon nap after early lunch - cap at 1 1/2 hours
  • Bedtime no later than 4 hours after waking from the second nap, therefore start preparations for sleep about 1 hour before bedtime.

Here goes a second suggestion. Perhaps a controversial one as Remy didn't use to like a later nap, but it may work better now:
  • Wake up around 7am
  • First nap at around 9am for 1 hour only
  • Second nap at around 1pm for up to 1 1/2 hours 
  • Third nap 5pm for only 30 minutes 
  • Bedtime at 7pm

When you go out in the afternoon, you could encourage3 shorter naps in the afternoon and/or an earlier bedtime. Having 3 shorter naps in the afternoon gives you more flexibility for Remy to sleep in the carrier. 

The other way to get more flexibility is by continuing practicing sleeping on his own.  

Here are the averages amount of sleep and nap gaps for this age and up to 1 year. Please use the timings above and below as a guide only. It is a lot more important that you are guided by your knowledge of Remy (for example when you said you think he can stay awake for longer now)

​      Age                                                  Nap Gap                                               Total naps                   
6 – 7 months                                2 – 3 hours (often 3 nap)                          3 - 4 hours                      
7 – 8 months                                2.25 – 3 hours (often 3 naps)                   around 3 hours
​8 – 10 months                              2.5 – 3.5 hours (often 2 -3 naps)             2 - 3 hours
10 – 12 months                             3 – 4 hours ( often 2 naps)                       around 2 hours

Stopping contact napping - See step by step on week 4
​
Remember to keep moving forward and make sure every few days you are on a different step, with a little less input to help Remy fall asleep. 

Nights

Use the same steps you are using during the naps, but at night. 
Remy needs to find new ways to fall asleep and the above steps will get you there.

Here are a few different ways to approach the nights depending on how quickly you'd like to see results:
​
The slow and gentle way (making changes just early in the night)
  • On the first wake up only you work on practicing independent sleep
  • Every couple of days you move to offer a little less input while Remy is falling asleep​
  •  For the following awakes in the middle of the night, use whatever strategy works for you.

The mid speed way (making changes at bedtime and a few hours more) 
  • After bedtime, when he wakes up, practice falling to sleep with less input
  • Keep settling him every time he wakes up with the new tools until a set time in the night (perhaps midnight or 1am?) 
  • ​After that, use whatever strategy works for you.

The fast way
This is the most efficient way to make changes to sleep, but it is likely to result in some exhausting nights for you. If you choose this option, make sure you can catch up with some sleep the next day during the daytime. 
  • Whenever he wakes up, practice falling asleep with less input from you. At first you will need to offer more support, but work towards Remy falling asleep with just your presence there
  • ​Keep settling him every time he wakes up with the steps to make changes on input all through the night.

Any wake up before 6am, treat as a night awake: quiet interaction, dark room, remain in the bedroom.
You could offer a feed before you go to bed and at around 3 am, at a time he is usually waking up. 

A lot of people will start with a more gentle way and then move on to a faster way. Feel free to change speed as you need, but Try and stay on each of them for at least 2 days. Too much swap and change makes babies very confused and more jumpy.


Nutrition
It would be great if you could encourage most of Remy's calories to be taken during the day. Milk still is the main source of calories but as Remy approaches 1 year old, this balance will start changing. 

Here is good and reliable source of information and you will find pictures on portion size, tips for "fussy" eating and loads of recipes.
eating_well_the_first_year_june_20_for_web.pdf
File Size: 6995 kb
File Type: pdf
Download File

 Recipes with photos of portion sizes from page 56
Size of plates on page 120

Here you will find more information on helping Remy eat better and they advice babies Remy's age should have around 600ml of formula per day (but be let by your baby). This is easily achieved with breast milk before naps and after meals as well as 2 or 3 night feeds.
Start 4 life

​Dear Sarah and Christopher


It was great working with you in the last month. You have made some good progress with Remy's sleep situation through hard work and some consistency. I hope you can find some time to celebrate your achievements!

What were your goals? 



Your main goals were:
  • To improve / lengthen both naps and night time sleep
  • To try to get a rough rhythm with both milk and solid feeding.
  • ​To try to get Remy to nap in his bed without you having to take him on endless walks/pram rides etc.

Remy had many ups and downs, feeling unwell, moving country and then house...  but even with all these factors that unsettle sleep, you have achieved 2 out of the three goals and you are working on the third goal.


For you to achieve all your goals, It is important that you work as consistently as possible on moving forward towards independent sleep and keeping to a predictable rhythm to Remy's day.  This had been difficult to achieve as you are at a stage in life with so many changes, and that is ok.  By setting some rhythms to your day and by practicing falling asleep with less of your help and presence you provide Remy with the reassurance that he can do it. Patience and consistence is key!

I also believe Remy really does need some extra support from time to time when he is experiencing something new. Remy seems to be the best of both: physical and happy, and also sensitive to the environment. This is a great trait mix but it also means he needs extra support from time to time to be able to better manage and process all the changes. As you know, this is really hard work as sleep is the first thing that suffers during these phases. 

 
You are doing a fantastic job in supporting Remy's development in a responsive and fun way! 
​
It has been a pleasure going through these weeks with you and seeing the improvements emerge when life has let you follow the plan ( so much going on for you - you really are doing great!).  I hope you found the program has helped you all to understand Remy's sleep needs better and to develop some tools you can use for the times ahead. 

As Remy grows and his sleep changes, if you need further support I offer a one-off video call a weekly support for past clients. Here is the link for more information https://www.calm-sleep.com/services.html​ 

Lastly, I would be very grateful if you could share a review here   and/or email any feedback that will make the service better for future parents.

All the best
Karina​
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