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Welcome to Sami's
​sleep program 

 

Here you will find information and supporting links to help you through the journey for better sleep.

You will be able to visit this site whenever you need as we work together, and you will be able to revisit any task, recordings and information up to 8 weeks after the end of our program on 11th November 2022.

To protect your information, I will erase this page on 6th January 2022

Here is the zoom link for all calls: 

https://us04web.zoom.us/j/78600151676?pwd=c3JQcThIanFOMDlkZTRHT1RiY3RIQT09

Meeting ID: 786 0015 1676
Passcode: 0jjS0p


30th September 2021

Dear Jihane and Matteo.

It was good to talk to you today and hear about you, your family, and your sleep situation. This session was mostly to help me understand the background, and support you with some ideas to move forward. This session was also about some simple sleep education, and to help you understand how we will work together over the coming weeks.
As you know, I work differently to other sleep consultants. My approach is very gentle and respectful of children's development. I also hold parent's mental health very close and for many parents, my gentle approach is what enables them to improve their child's sleep in a way that feels right for them. 

Over the next 6 weeks I will guide and support you to work towards your goals. We are also going to work out what is realistic, and age/developmentally appropriate for Sami and I find that it helps to tackle sleep in small steps, so that it doesn’t become overwhelming. 

You have already made great progress with Sami's sleep since you first contacted me, brilliant!


You told me that you would like :
  • Calmer naps and bedtimes
  • To feel in power

It is likely that in order to achieve these goals, we will need to work on: 
  • Distribution of sleep throughout the day
  • Introducing a 'wind down time' before the bedtime routine
  • Encourage connecting and challenging physical activities
  • Limit night feeds

 Probable reasons for your current sleep situation 

Having had a look at your sleep diary and spending time talking to you about your child and your situation,  my guess is that your current issues are multifactorial but may include discomfort, faulty sleep hygiene, too little sleep in the day, emotional needs and wanting to connect. There may, of course, be other reasons, such as habits and challenges with limit setting.

The reality is that there is always something that could be improved with sleep.

You’re doing an amazing job of parenting respectfully and responsively, and your sleep situation is not only normal, but common. You have not done anything wrong, and Sami is actually sleeping within the average amount for his age. However, you’re describing a situation that has become unsustainable, and so we can work to address and optimize these areas to hopefully improve Sami’s sleep. 

I look forward to working with you closely over the next few weeks, and moving you and Sami on in your sleep story, without using techniques that might affect attachment, trust and connection. 

Thank you for choosing to work gently – you will never regret it! ​
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Week 1 

This week we will work on the following points:
  • Quick wins
  • Introduce regular wake up time - 7:30am (30 minutes earlier or later is fine)
  • Encourage the nap to happen 6h after waking up ( but be guided by Sami, if he is tired earlier it is fine to sleep earlier)
  • Increase challenging physical activities
  • Introduce more 'love cup' filling games
  • Take the love language quiz - Take the quiz here
Booking call - 30th September 2021

Quick wins. You can print it by clicking on each picture.
Physical exercise ideas
Encourage a lot of exercise and challenging physical activities​.
  • Climbing
  • Living room olympics
  • Crawling under chairs or low towel tunnels (place a towel over two chairs)
  • Jumping in place, forward, backwards
  • Pushing and pulling heavy objects (carrying and unloading the shopping, load the pushchair with books)
  • Running forwards, sideways, backwards
  • Dancing
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Love cup activities ideas
  • Sock game: parents and children sit with feet together and they need to remove each others socks off
  • Do something outrageous: could be fall over, have dessert for dinner, pretend to eat a shoe. Be silly. 
  • Chase and miss game: tag but with parent missing on purpose  --- Reinforces the idea that the parent wants the child. Bellow are other variations​:                                                                                                             -Parent can then grab a chair and kiss it, then go’ oh, no, this is not you!’                                                                                                                -Kissing monster
  • Hide and seek: but finding the child quickly or pretending you can’t see them.
  • Let them be bossy: play might be the only time they CAN be bossy
  • If child says ‘go away’. Take a couple of steps and say playfully ‘ is this enough?’ keep going back and asking until child says ‘yes, that is fine’.
  • Human tug-of-war: parents “fight” for a piece of the child. ‘ I want him. No I do. I have the best part…’ It passes the message: ‘I want you. I see you. I love you.’
  • Don’t step on the lava. Parent and child on the bed and they have to push  each other on the lava and at the same time they have to save each other.

If when playing rough there is an injury (physical or emotional), take a pause, acknowledge the hurt, ask if they want to carry on or if they should leave for another day. Their feelings are more important than the game! 

It can also be helpful to have organised pauses to lower the energy levels from time to time.

Essential oil blend for bedtime calm

Here is a lovely blend you can use in the bath or as a spray on the lead up to bedtime.

4 drops lavender
2 drops vertiver 
1 drop clary sage
1 drop lemon 

Week 2

This week we will work on:
  • Introducing a wind down time before the start of the bedtime rhythm. (Perhaps as long as 2 hours before time to sleep)
  • Having other creative ideas for naps in stock
  • Encourage a gap of around 7 hours awake before bedtime (be guided by Sami though)
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This week's wins: 
  • Not fight sleep as much,
  • ​Sami put himself to sleep for naps a few times
  • Regular wake up time worked very well at first, but you worked out that 8am is a better time 
  • Matteo could help Sami to sleep again 
  • You feel more relaxed about nap timings.
Wind down time

Often there is a misunderstanding and the bedtime routine is bundled together with the period of
winding down. These two are separate happenings that take place before sleep.

The wind down is there to help children transition from active day to restful night. It is not necessary for the elements to be consistent from day to day as with the bedtime routine. The focus is on releasing the rest of energy and emotional build up AND on having a calm and restful environment.

The bedtime routine (or rhythm) is there for connection, containment and calm. It is very important for the elements of the bedtime routine to be very consistent from day to day, even when there is variation on who is helping the children at this time.

The winding down period could last up to 2 hours before bed
. At this time, it is helpful to do activities to increase melatonin and oxytocin. Some ideas are: some 'cup filling' games, followed by calm voices, less noise, relaxing music, dimmer lighting, reading a book together, television and other screens off– no blue lights for 1 -2 hours before sleep.
It is very likely dinner will be within the wind down time. 


Task for this week
Explore which elements will work for you as a family at the wind down.

​You don't need to be actively involved with the children the whole time, having a mixture of activities they can do on their own and things you do as a family is more practical. 

Consider: When will dinner fit better? which order of activities (energetic first or last?), do the boys need their own space for a bit? Do they need a calm toys basket each (building blocks are great here)? Are you including books? Perhaps a bath sometimes? 

Remembering to keep calmer and a bit darker as it approaches the time to start the bedtime routine. 
The reluctant napper!

The idea is to "rebrand" the nap, as you've done! You could call it snuggle time, story time or a rest.
Here are some ideas if you need variation:
  • sitting on the sofa or bed and listening to a audiobook, music or guided meditation
  • consider changing the location: an inside pop-up tent or under a table with a blanket draped over it. Remember to make it really cosy inside.
  • Some children need to be really  physically tired. Consider whether you could squeeze some more exercise into the day.
  • Last resort is a car drive or tactical walk in the push-chair/carrier

Week 3

This week we will work on preparing the ground for next week's work by:
  • Making a bedtime book for Sami and one for Malik
  • Practicing placing limits when the opportunities arise
  • Exploring what might help Sami return to a calm state (See zones of regulation)
  • Exploring what might help Sami return to a calm state (See zones of regulation)
Task 1

Name emotions. Help your child identify and name emotions
  • identify the emotions your child is experiencing instead of telling your child how they should feel. You could use the emotion faces bellow. start by selecting the most simple first.
  • naming emotions helps soothe a child
  • set a good example by naming your own emotions and talking about them
  • as your child grows, help them build a vocabulary for different feelings

​If your child is very upset, wait for them to be regulated and then talk about the emotions. Be careful to avoid judging and criticising the emotion. The objective is to identify the emotions and not to place value on them.
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An important step is to find good solutions for when we are becoming dysregulated.

If we are able to recognize when we are becoming less regulated, we are able to do something about it to manage our feelings and get ourselves to a healthy place.

‘Zones of regulation’ is a tool to help parents identify when a child may need support or guidance to regulating their emotions. Understanding the zones of regulation is also helpful for children to identify big feelings and develop skills to help regulate their own emotions during the day, when they are old enough.

Throughout our day we fluctuate through all zones. What is important is to be able to regulate ourselves so to go back to the Green zone, where our parasympathetic system is active and we feel relaxed, calm as well as ready to learn and socialise.
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Once we identify in which zone ourselves or our child are, we can use regulating strategies to return or remain in the green zone.
Task 2

Explore when your child is on the different zones, what triggers them to go there
 and what helps them to return (or maintain) to the green zone and feel calm.

When trying strategies to return to the green zone, explore what works for your child and keep an open mind.

Also ask to consider:
  • which strategies your child needs all the time to support regulation and maintain the green zone behaviour and emotions
  • which strategies are helpful when your child is on the yellow or blue zones to help return to the green zone
  • which strategies are helpful when your child is on the red zone and which strategies will not work
Regulating strategies

Here are some ideas of strategies, please add on to this if you find other things that work for your child. Strategies can provide the sensory input the child needs to maintain a calm, alert and organised state or use posture, flexion and breath to organise the body and re-set the nervous system

The following strategies provide the sensory input children need to maintain a calm, alert and organised state.

Tactile system:

  • Deep pressure. e.g. massage, firm touch when drying from bath, sustained touch, heavy pillows
  • Sucking/blowing activities. e.g. Blowing bubbles or into a glass of water, drinking through an intricate straw. Blowing ping-pong balls with a straw. Model long out breath at bath time and when your child is relaxed.
  • Neutral warmth. e.g. Warm bath, wrap in blanket, womb like space, sleeping bag
  • Soft textures. e.g. Fluffy blanket and cushions

Propioceptive system:

  • Pushing, pulling, carrying heavy objects
  • Climbing, crawling, jumping games
  • Squash under pillows
  • Jumping on trampoline
  • Walk with backpack on
  • Riding bikes/scooters
  • Squeeze against gym ball, roll over ball

These activities are not to do too near bed time. If your child needs this kind of calming activities at bedtime, try balancing lying down, tummy down, on a gym ball on the trampoline. The idea is so your child is in curled up postures, and not extended positions. These postures are more calming and encourage deeper out breaths.


Auditory system:

  • Low noise level
  • Soft or classical music particularly Mozart
  • Quiet style of interaction and speech
  • Soft, rhythmical singing, sing-song speech
  • Low amount of verbal input


Vestibular system:

  • Rhythmical swinging, slow movements
  • Rolling or rocking slowly over a ball
  • Rocking in a rocking chair
  • Rocking side to side or back and forth
  • Slow rhythmical movements


The follow strategies support regulation and help re-setting the nervous system

Physical and sensory strategies:

  • flexion postures
  • arms to midline
  • physical activities
  • deep pressure
  • movement
  • messy play
  • visual toys
  • vibration (toys, snakes)


Use of self and communication strategies:

  • tone of voice
  • give space
  • physical support
  • pre-empting
  • body position (own and child’s)
  • body language (own and child’s)
  • use of eye contact
  • breathing
  • watching for approach vs. avoidance communication
  • limiting language


Environmental strategies:

  • quiet room/ space
  • outdoor spaces
  • visual (darker as bed time approaches)
  • timetables
  • pictures
  • now & next personal book

Calming strategies:

  • yoga
  • massage
  • use of breathing
  • having space to play and movement
  • limiting space to make it easier to calm down e.g. put a duvet on the floor to play on, so space is defined. Or cuddling up and reading a book in a flexing position
  • alone/free time
  • preferred activities
​

Week 4

This week is all about the night. The idea is to lower the intake of liquid in the night as well as soothing Sami back to sleep in different ways other than nursing. 

Bellow I suggest a few options for you to follow. Choose which one would suit you best.
For toddlers, stopping breastfeeding can be an emotional task. You may need to handle it with lots of time, patience and compassion.

Communication can help. here are a couple of ideas:
  • use role play, with teddies, doll or puppets, to show Sami what will happen in he middle of the night.
  • the bedtime book - not showing night feeding after Sami sleeps. Make sure you talk about it when going through the story
  • night-weaning books - (I'm on the look out for more) Fini la tetee. Sophie le Pestipon. I also really like Nursies when the sun shines:a little book on night weaning. Katherine C. Havener

Does night- weaning improve sleep?

It is important to know that night-weaning does not always lead to an immediate improvement in sleep. It may take some weeks before you get consolidated stretches.
Three important points to do it now are:
  1. encouraging Sami not to need a trip to the toilet in the night
  2. some children have a full tummy as a trigger for sleep, so we want to see if this is Sami's case
  3. find other ways to soothe Sami back to sleep in the night besides nursing so Matteo can also help him in the night.


How to do it

Preparation ahead:
  • Try setting limits in the day first, so not all limits are in the night
  • Make sure Sami has other ways of finding comfort (see last weeks' tasks)
  • We decided to keep the bedtime feed as it is working well and perhaps have a 'good morning' feed
  • It may be easier for you to sleep with the boys for a few night. 
  • Be prepared for a few sleepless nights


Tonight is the night
You will need to decide how night-weaning or reducing night feeds will go for you.

Here are a few options:
  • You continue to feed to sleep at bedtime plus one or two times in the night that works for you. Basically, you are setting limits that feel reasonable, but still accepting that your little one needs some milk at night. So you will pick one or two tactical times when you will feed Sami, but for all other feeds you will cuddle, love and hug him back to sleep. You don't have to keep rigid times - just choose an approximate time and decide that any wake-ups within about half an hour of that target time will mean you feed back to sleep. This also guarantees a relatively easy return to sleep at least one or twice in the night, whish can help YOU sleep and keep your sanity.
 
  • Establish one stretch of sleep, by not feeding at the first few times they wake up. This means that you might decide that you will not feed Sami for a solid 4-6 hours at the start of the night. It means that you are doing the hard part at a time that both of you (Jihane and Matteo) are more likely to be awake. You then decide that after a certain time you will change the rules and will nurse Sami back to sleep. With this approach, you are reserving your feed to sleep tool as a kind of "trump" card, maximising everyone's sleep
 
  • You could go cold turkey and, after the feed at bedtime, only comfort Sami in other ways.

Which option you choose is up to you. Sometimes people will start very gently and slowly, and work up the steps until they get to somewhere they feel comfortable. It will also depend on how persistent Sami's personality is.

I often find strong-willed toddlers need very clear and black or white strategy. Sometimes they get upset and confused with the mixed messages of being able to feed at sometime but not at other times. Other toddles, who are more sensitive, will need a very gradual and sensitive reduction of feeds. Be guided by your instincts and your knowledge of Sami
​

What to do when not feeding to sleep
Of course that when you are not feeding Sami in the night, you will need to offer other forms of comfort - such as cuddles, stroking, shushing, patting, or holding. Don't worry about what you have to do , you and Sami will be settling in and adjusting to another way of responsive parenting. Change can be hard for most children, so he will need lots of reassurances.
Remember that there are many ways of being responsive - feeding has worked for you for a long time, but it doesn't mean there are no other ways.

Also important to say that if at any time it doesn't feel right, or you change your mind, it is ok to stop and do what feels right. These strategies will still be open to you whenever you choose to try again. but try not to start and stop the process many times - it can feel unsettling.


What to expect
Night-weaning is not usually quick, easy and free of drama. That is why we have worked in many other points before tackling this. Nevertheless, some children do surprise their parents! But it is sensible to expect several disrupted nights. Sami may plea, beg, negotiate, tug at your clothing, demand, cry and get angry. There may be ugly crying with snot. Usually it can take 3-5 nights of your child asking and protesting. Often the first night is the worse, and then it quickly gets better.

Be warned:  It is really usual to see great improvement in the first few nights the on night 4-5, you may see a backslide. This is normal! Stay calm, and don't lose hope


A few tips
  • When Sami wakes and asks for milk, decide on a gentle soothing phrase you will say - something like: 'Not now sweetheart, we'll have milk in the morning'.
  • Practise emotion coaching in the day, and use the same language at night (see last weeks tasks)
  • Validate Sami's feelings: 'I know it's hard. I'm here'.
  • Offer lots of reassurance and comfort - it's fine to do whatever feels natural; cuddles, stroking, kisses, singing songs, holding, rocking, walking.....
  • You don't need to make the tear go away. Expressing emotion about this change is normal and understandable. It's not your job to erase the emotion, or distract your child out of it, but do acknowledge that it's hard for your child and provide emotional support through it.
  • Offer a sip of water if Sami is thirsty, but remember to limit as he will need a trip to the toilet next time he wakes up.
  • You may want to plan for Malik to sleep with Matteo for a few nights if you are worried it will disturb his sleep.


Week 5

You decided you needed more time to focus on the past week's tasks in preparation for the night time work.

Tasks for this week:
  • Continue work on zones of regulation
  • Start with separating feeding from sleeping in the night
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Wins!

  • Sami is waking less often in the night
  • Sami is taking his own steps towards sleeping better in the night 
  • You have found that singing (and perhaps humming) helps Sami regulate
  • Sami is a little less angry each night 
  • You and Matteo have found a best way to work together through this challenging week
Zoom call on 01/11/2021

Here are the main points from our conversation:
  • There were some great wins highlighted above
  • As expected there were some ups and downs but overall, I can see you are moving forward on your sleep journey.
  • Tackling the night directly, as you are doing now, is the most emotional part of the program for you and Sami. This is understandable as you are both tired and less rational. Also there needs time for both of you to come to terms with the changes. You really are doing great!!! ​
Tasks for the next few day:

  • Keep working on the nights! 
  • Offer less choices to Sami in the night. It will be even harder for him to make decisions in the middle of the night. For example: do you want me to rub your back or to hum while you fall asleep? Then guide him through it.
  • Make it simple!
  • During the day mention the good things that happen in the night, but no need to make it a big deal. For example: 'it helped you to sleep when we hummed' or 'you slept really well, just woke up twice' or ' I loved how we managed to help you sleep with me holding your hand' 
  • Consider if giving Sami a toy to be responsible for during the night would work
  • This last one is about you: Think how you are going to celebrate/say goodbye to the lovely phase of feeding in the middle of the night. It could be a symbolic object you keep, something creative such as putting down in writing/drawing/painting or a little ritual you hold.

Week 6

This week is mainly about celebrating all of your achievements! But I will also add a few suggestions for the future on:
  • Managing dropping the naps
  • Encouraging independent sleep for Malik (and in time, for Sami)
Dropping the last nap

What’s tricky about nap transitions is that even though your child is ready to drop that nap, there will still be an adjustment period as they transition into less overall daytime sleep and longer periods of wakefulness.
It is common for children to just become more difficult to nap for example, but then they are very tired by bedtime and the bedtime routine becomes stressful and difficult. They may cry more, have a bit of a hard time settling down, or need extra support. They may go back and forth between the old and new schedule for a bit. All of that is normal and expected.
They might then wake more often in the night as a result of being too tired at bedtime.

Here are some signs your child is ready to drop a nap:
Ask yourself: Are you seeing any of these signs lasting more than 7-10 days?
  • Bedtime resistance
  • Increased night wakings
  • Consistently fighting a nap
A good way of checking if your child is completely ready to drop a nap is If you go for a drive or a stroll and your child falls asleep quickly, it means they are not ready to drop that nap just yet.
Your child is going through a big transition and progression, and progressions are not linear!

So here are some tips to help you navigate through this period

  • Before dropping a nap completely, you could consider changing the timing slightly or making the nap shorter. 
  • You could drop a nap for 2 – 3 days then catch up for a day. Once your child is fully ready to completely drop that nap.
  • As nap is dropped, bedtime may need to be adjusted. It may need to start earlier for a period of time and then start later once it has completely settled.
  • You could re-brand the nap and call it a quiet time, calm down time, snooze time, or down-time, if the word ‘nap’ sends the toddler running for the back garden! 
  • Or try reverse psychology ‘I know you’re not tired right now, but let’s sit and snuggle for ten minutes on your bed’
  • Re-locate the nap to somewhere quieter and less stimulating. Put a yoga mat under the kitchen table and cover the table with a thick dark blanket. The child may have a nap in this dark, quiet ‘cave’.
  • Strategically plan in 20 minutes of distinct calm-down time prior to a nap.
Things should then settle in a couple of weeks

Night time ideas

Ribbon trick
Great tool to maintain connection, and it works well for children who are anxious about being left alone, and need a parent to stay with them . It helps children understand concepts that are difficult to imagine or intangible. 
The idea with the ribbon is to create a physical reminder that you and your child are still connected even when you are not physically present.
How to do it:
  • Go out with your child to choose a ribbon together. It needs to be about five metres long. 
  • ​At bedtime, give one end of the ribbon to your child, and you hold the other end.
  • At your child’s pace, let out the ribbon so that they are further away, yet still holding the ribbon. Keep the tension on the ribbon firm so your little one can feel you still holding on.
  • Eventually, the ribbon tension can go slack, and you are out of sight.
  • Once your child is asleep, make sure you return to your child’s room and remove the ribbon from their hand for safety reasons.

A lot of children love the physical imagery with the ribbon, and even when the ribbon is no longer needed, children can imagine in their mind’s eye a ribbon or thread running from themselves to their parent in another room. 

And here is a story to go alongside it: “The Invisible String” by Patrice Karst 


Pop-outs
This is a great tool for eventually moving your child towards being able to fall asleep alone (when they are ready).

Please note this is definitely NOT controlled crying! In fact, if your child starts to cry, this is the wrong tool to use.
How to do it:

  • You stay with your child until they are settled
  • Then you briefly leave their side, for the shortest amount of time possible - perhaps just 5 - 10 seconds. You then immediately return. The idea is to get back before they can even think about getting upset.
  • ​You then stay with them a while longer, and repeat.
  • You can stay by your child’s side as long as you like, and you can leave the room as often as you like. Just go at your child’s pace.
  • ​Stay out of the room for longer, and more frequently leaving as they are ready.

The idea with pop-out is that your child learns through multiple repetitions that you always come back. You never leave them long enough for them to worry or get upset, and you show them with your behaviour that they do not need to cry to get you back in the room.
You ultimately want your child to get bored of you leaving. They are so confident and relaxed about you always coming back that they don’t fret or flinch when you leave. 
Eventually, you’ll be able to leave the room frequently, and stay out for longer. And at some point, because your child is so confident you’ll come back, they will fall asleep without you even being there. 
It may take a long time, but it is absolute no cry and zero stress.


First minute alone
A variation on the pop-out.

Instead of coming in and out frequently, you give your child the first minute on their own after you’ve said good-night. After the first minute, come and stay with your child until they are asleep.

The idea isn’t to make them upset, so if your child gets upset, you may need to wait with them for a while longer before trying again.
Once the first minute has worked well, give it a few days staying at the one-minute mark, and then upgrade to two minutes. Go very slowly so your child doesn’t notice that the time is extending.
The idea is to build confidence that you always come back, and they begin to relax during that alone time. 
Go more slowly at first, as your child gets used to the idea, and then you may find you can move on to staying out of the room for longer once their confidence is built.​

12th November - end of the program

Dear Jihane and Matteo

It was really great working with you in the last 6 weeks. You have made some incredible progress with Sami's sleep situation through hard work and consistency. I hope you can find some time to celebrate your achievements!

What were your goals? 


You had two general goals

Your main goals were:
  • Calmer nap and bedtime
  • ​To feel in power 

Sami was ready to embrace all the changes and adjustments that you introduced and you were ready to move on to the next stage in your parenting.

With creativity and consciousness you managed to achieve both your goals and when beyond that stopping the night feeds and finding new ways to help Sami regulate his emotions (music is power!)

I believe one of your main achievements was to find a better balance between being responsive to the children's needs and wants and taking the lead as parents. This alone will set you on a good path of parenting older children.

 You are doing a fantastic job in parenting Malik and Sami in a responsive way! You will never regret this.


It has been a pleasure going through these weeks with you and seeing all the improvements emerge. I hope you found the program has helped you all to understand Sami's needs better and to develop some tools you can use for the times ahead. 

As Sami grows and his sleep changes, if you need further support I offer a one-off video call and top up call. Here is the link for more information https://www.calm-sleep.com/services.html​ 

Lastly, I would be very grateful if you could share a review here  and/or email any feedback that will make the service better for future parents.

All the best
Karina​
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