Sami

Welcome to Sami's
sleep program

Here you will find information and supporting links to help you through the journey for better sleep.

You will be able to visit this site whenever you need as we work together, and you will be able to revisit any task, recordings and information up to 8 weeks after the end of our program on 11th November 2022.

To protect your information, I will erase this page on 6th January 2022

Here is the zoom link for all calls:
https://us04web.zoom.us/j/78600151676?pwd=c3JQcThIanFOMDlkZTRHT1RiY3RIQT09

Meeting ID: 786 0015 1676
Passcode: 0jjS0p

30th September 2021

Dear Jihane and Matteo.

It was good to talk to you today and hear about you, your family, and your sleep situation. This session was mostly to help me understand the background, and support you with some ideas to move forward. This session was also about some simple sleep education, and to help you understand how we will work together over the coming weeks.
As you know, I work differently to other sleep consultants. My approach is very gentle and respectful of children's development. I also hold parent's mental health very close and for many parents, my gentle approach is what enables them to improve their child's sleep in a way that feels right for them.

Over the next 6 weeks I will guide and support you to work towards your goals. We are also going to work out what is realistic, and age/developmentally appropriate for Sami and I find that it helps to tackle sleep in small steps, so that it doesn’t become overwhelming.

You have already made great progress with Sami's sleep since you first contacted me, brilliant!

You told me that you would like :

Calmer naps and bedtimes
To feel in power

It is likely that in order to achieve these goals, we will need to work on:

Distribution of sleep throughout the day
Introducing a 'wind down time' before the bedtime routine
Encourage connecting and challenging physical activities
Limit night feeds

Probable reasons for your current sleep situation

Having had a look at your sleep diary and spending time talking to you about your child and your situation, my guess is that your current issues are multifactorial but may include discomfort, faulty sleep hygiene, too little sleep in the day, emotional needs and wanting to connect. There may, of course, be other reasons, such as habits and challenges with limit setting.

The reality is that there is always something that could be improved with sleep.

You’re doing an amazing job of parenting respectfully and responsively, and your sleep situation is not only normal, but common. You have not done anything wrong, and Sami is actually sleeping within the average amount for his age. However, you’re describing a situation that has become unsustainable, and so we can work to address and optimize these areas to hopefully improve Sami’s sleep.

I look forward to working with you closely over the next few weeks, and moving you and Sami on in your sleep story, without using techniques that might affect attachment, trust and connection.

Thank you for choosing to work gently – you will never regret it!

Week 1

This week we will work on the following points:

Quick wins
Introduce regular wake up time - 7:30am (30 minutes earlier or later is fine)
Encourage the nap to happen 6h after waking up ( but be guided by Sami, if he is tired earlier it is fine to sleep earlier)
Increase challenging physical activities
Introduce more 'love cup' filling games
Take the love language quiz - Take the quiz here

Booking call - 30th September 2021

Quick wins. You can print it by clicking on each picture.

Physical exercise ideas

Encourage a lot of exercise and challenging physical activities.

Climbing
Living room olympics
Crawling under chairs or low towel tunnels (place a towel over two chairs)
Jumping in place, forward, backwards
Pushing and pulling heavy objects (carrying and unloading the shopping, load the pushchair with books)
Running forwards, sideways, backwards
Dancing

Love cup activities ideas

Sock game: parents and children sit with feet together and they need to remove each others socks off
Do something outrageous: could be fall over, have dessert for dinner, pretend to eat a shoe. Be silly.
Chase and miss game: tag but with parent missing on purpose --- Reinforces the idea that the parent wants the child. Bellow are other variations: -Parent can then grab a chair and kiss it, then go’ oh, no, this is not you!’ -Kissing monster
Hide and seek: but finding the child quickly or pretending you can’t see them.
Let them be bossy: play might be the only time they CAN be bossy
If child says ‘go away’. Take a couple of steps and say playfully ‘ is this enough?’ keep going back and asking until child says ‘yes, that is fine’.
Human tug-of-war: parents “fight” for a piece of the child. ‘ I want him. No I do. I have the best part…’ It passes the message: ‘I want you. I see you. I love you.’
Don’t step on the lava. Parent and child on the bed and they have to push each other on the lava and at the same time they have to save each other.

If when playing rough there is an injury (physical or emotional), take a pause, acknowledge the hurt, ask if they want to carry on or if they should leave for another day. Their feelings are more important than the game!

It can also be helpful to have organised pauses to lower the energy levels from time to time.

Essential oil blend for bedtime calm

Here is a lovely blend you can use in the bath or as a spray on the lead up to bedtime.

4 drops lavender
2 drops vertiver
1 drop clary sage
1 drop lemon

Week 2

This week we will work on:

Introducing a wind down time before the start of the bedtime rhythm. (Perhaps as long as 2 hours before time to sleep)
Having other creative ideas for naps in stock
Encourage a gap of around 7 hours awake before bedtime (be guided by Sami though)

This week's wins:

Not fight sleep as much,
Sami put himself to sleep for naps a few times
Regular wake up time worked very well at first, but you worked out that 8am is a better time
Matteo could help Sami to sleep again
You feel more relaxed about nap timings.

Wind down time

Often there is a misunderstanding and the bedtime routine is bundled together with the period of winding down. These two are separate happenings that take place before sleep.

The wind down is there to help children transition from active day to restful night. It is not necessary for the elements to be consistent from day to day as with the bedtime routine. The focus is on releasing the rest of energy and emotional build up AND on having a calm and restful environment.

The bedtime routine (or rhythm) is there for connection, containment and calm. It is very important for the elements of the bedtime routine to be very consistent from day to day, even when there is variation on who is helping the children at this time.

The winding down period could last up to 2 hours before bed. At this time, it is helpful to do activities to increase melatonin and oxytocin. Some ideas are: some 'cup filling' games, followed by calm voices, less noise, relaxing music, dimmer lighting, reading a book together, television and other screens off– no blue lights for 1 -2 hours before sleep.
It is very likely dinner will be within the wind down time.

Task for this week
Explore which elements will work for you as a family at the wind down.

You don't need to be actively involved with the children the whole time, having a mixture of activities they can do on their own and things you do as a family is more practical.

Consider: When will dinner fit better? which order of activities (energetic first or last?), do the boys need their own space for a bit? Do they need a calm toys basket each (building blocks are great here)? Are you including books? Perhaps a bath sometimes?

Remembering to keep calmer and a bit darker as it approaches the time to start the bedtime routine.

The reluctant napper!

The idea is to "rebrand" the nap, as you've done! You could call it snuggle time, story time or a rest.
Here are some ideas if you need variation:

sitting on the sofa or bed and listening to a audiobook, music or guided meditation
consider changing the location: an inside pop-up tent or under a table with a blanket draped over it. Remember to make it really cosy inside.
Some children need to be really physically tired. Consider whether you could squeeze some more exercise into the day.
Last resort is a car drive or tactical walk in the push-chair/carrier

Week 3

This week we will work on preparing the ground for next week's work by:

Making a bedtime book for Sami and one for Malik
Practicing placing limits when the opportunities arise
Exploring what might help Sami return to a calm state (See zones of regulation)

Zones of regulation

From time to time we all feel dysregulated, especially when there are other environmental factors at play, like hunger, tiredness and exploration of boundaries. And it is at these times of dysregulation that children learn and practice the tools for self-regulation. It’s ok for children to have big feelings when they have the emotional safety net of regulated adults ready to show them the way.

Dysregulation is when responses to emotions and upsetting sensations don’t match the input.

Of course, all feelings and emotions make part of healthy individuals, avoidance of or escape from negative feelings takes away the very challenge that breeds inspiration, courage, bravery, growth, resilience and pride and undermines our children’s access to their future potential.

Learning to identify your child’s emotions and levels of arousal is important so to time regulating activities appropriately. As they grow, it is also important for a child to identify the changes in their own emotions so to be able to reach out to tools in order to self-regulate and return to a more calm and focused state.

Task 1

Name emotions. Help your child identify and name emotions

identify the emotions your child is experiencing instead of telling your child how they should feel. You could use the emotion faces bellow. start by selecting the most simple first.
naming emotions helps soothe a child
set a good example by naming your own emotions and talking about them
as your child grows, help them build a vocabulary for different feelings

If your child is very upset, wait for them to be regulated and then talk about the emotions. Be careful to avoid judging and criticising the emotion. The objective is to identify the emotions and not to place value on them.

An important step is to find good solutions for when we are becoming dysregulated.

If we are able to recognize when we are becoming less regulated, we are able to do something about it to manage our feelings and get ourselves to a healthy place.

‘Zones of regulation’ is a tool to help parents identify when a child may need support or guidance to regulating their emotions. Understanding the zones of regulation is also helpful for children to identify big feelings and develop skills to help regulate their own emotions during the day, when they are old enough.

Throughout our day we fluctuate through all zones. What is important is to be able to regulate ourselves so to go back to the Green zone, where our parasympathetic system is active and we feel relaxed, calm as well as ready to learn and socialise.

Once we identify in which zone ourselves or our child are, we can use regulating strategies to return or remain in the green zone.

Task 2

Explore when your child is on the different zones, what triggers them to go there and what helps them to return (or maintain) to the green zone and feel calm.

When trying strategies to return to the green zone, explore what works for your child and keep an open mind.

Also ask to consider:

which strategies your child needs all the time to support regulation and maintain the green zone behaviour and emotions
which strategies are helpful when your child is on the yellow or blue zones to help return to the green zone
which strategies are helpful when your child is on the red zone and which strategies will not work

Regulating strategies

Here are some ideas of strategies, please add on to this if you find other things that work for your child. Strategies can provide the sensory input the child needs to maintain a calm, alert and organised state or use posture, flexion and breath to organise the body and re-set the nervous system

The following strategies provide the sensory input children need to maintain a calm, alert and organised state.

Tactile system:

Deep pressure. e.g. massage, firm touch when drying from bath, sustained touch, heavy pillows
Sucking/blowing activities. e.g. Blowing bubbles or into a glass of water, drinking through an intricate straw. Blowing ping-pong balls with a straw. Model long out breath at bath time and when your child is relaxed.
Neutral warmth. e.g. Warm bath, wrap in blanket, womb like space, sleeping bag
Soft textures. e.g. Fluffy blanket and cushions

Propioceptive system:

Pushing, pulling, carrying heavy objects
Climbing, crawling, jumping games
Squash under pillows
Jumping on trampoline
Walk with backpack on
Riding bikes/scooters
Squeeze against gym ball, roll over ball

These activities are not to do too near bed time. If your child needs this kind of calming activities at bedtime, try balancing lying down, tummy down, on a gym ball on the trampoline. The idea is so your child is in curled up postures, and not extended positions. These postures are more calming and encourage deeper out breaths.

Auditory system:

Low noise level

Soft or classical music particularly Mozart

Quiet style of interaction and speech

Soft, rhythmical singing, sing-song speech

Low amount of verbal input

Vestibular system:

Rhythmical swinging, slow movements
Rolling or rocking slowly over a ball
Rocking in a rocking chair
Rocking side to side or back and forth
Slow rhythmical movements

The follow strategies support regulation and help re-setting the nervous system

Physical and sensory strategies:

flexion postures
arms to midline
physical activities
deep pressure
movement
messy play
visual toys
vibration (toys, snakes)

Use of self and communication strategies:

tone of voice
give space
physical support
pre-empting
body position (own and child’s)
body language (own and child’s)
use of eye contact
breathing
watching for approach vs. avoidance communication
limiting language

Environmental strategies:

quiet room/ space
outdoor spaces
visual (darker as bed time approaches)
timetables
pictures
now & next personal book

Calming strategies:

yoga
massage
use of breathing
having space to play and movement
limiting space to make it easier to calm down e.g. put a duvet on the floor to play on, so space is defined. Or cuddling up and reading a book in a flexing position
alone/free time
preferred activities

Week 4

This week is all about the night. The idea is to lower the intake of liquid in the night as well as soothing Sami back to sleep in different ways other than nursing.

Bellow I suggest a few options for you to follow. Choose which one would suit you best.

For toddlers, stopping breastfeeding can be an emotional task. You may need to handle it with lots of time, patience and compassion.

Communication can help. here are a couple of ideas:

use role play, with teddies, doll or puppets, to show Sami what will happen in he middle of the night.
the bedtime book - not showing night feeding after Sami sleeps. Make sure you talk about it when going through the story
night-weaning books - (I'm on the look out for more) Fini la tetee. Sophie le Pestipon. I also really like Nursies when the sun shines:a little book on night weaning. Katherine C. Havener

Does night- weaning improve sleep?

It is important to know that night-weaning does not always lead to an immediate improvement in sleep. It may take some weeks before you get consolidated stretches.
Three important points to do it now are:

encouraging Sami not to need a trip to the toilet in the night
some children have a full tummy as a trigger for sleep, so we want to see if this is Sami's case
find other ways to soothe Sami back to sleep in the night besides nursing so Matteo can also help him in the night.

How to do it

Preparation ahead:

Try setting limits in the day first, so not all limits are in the night
Make sure Sami has other ways of finding comfort (see last weeks' tasks)
We decided to keep the bedtime feed as it is working well and perhaps have a 'good morning' feed
It may be easier for you to sleep with the boys for a few night.
Be prepared for a few sleepless nights

Tonight is the night
You will need to decide how night-weaning or reducing night feeds will go for you.

Here are a few options:

You continue to feed to sleep at bedtime plus one or two times in the night that works for you. Basically, you are setting limits that feel reasonable, but still accepting that your little one needs some milk at night. So you will pick one or two tactical times when you will feed Sami, but for all other feeds you will cuddle, love and hug him back to sleep. You don't have to keep rigid times - just choose an approximate time and decide that any wake-ups within about half an hour of that target time will mean you feed back to sleep. This also guarantees a relatively easy return to sleep at least one or twice in the night, whish can help YOU sleep and keep your sanity.

Establish one stretch of sleep, by not feeding at the first few times they wake up. This means that you might decide that you will not feed Sami for a solid 4-6 hours at the start of the night. It means that you are doing the hard part at a time that both of you (Jihane and Matteo) are more likely to be awake. You then decide that after a certain time you will change the rules and will nurse Sami back to sleep. With this approach, you are reserving your feed to sleep tool as a kind of "trump" card, maximising everyone's sleep

You could go cold turkey and, after the feed at bedtime, only comfort Sami in other ways.

Which option you choose is up to you. Sometimes people will start very gently and slowly, and work up the steps until they get to somewhere they feel comfortable. It will also depend on how persistent Sami's personality is.

I often find strong-willed toddlers need very clear and black or white strategy. Sometimes they get upset and confused with the mixed messages of being able to feed at sometime but not at other times. Other toddles, who are more sensitive, will need a very gradual and sensitive reduction of feeds. Be guided by your instincts and your knowledge of Sami

What to do when not feeding to sleep
Of course that when you are not feeding Sami in the night, you will need to offer other forms of comfort - such as cuddles, stroking, shushing, patting, or holding. Don't worry about what you have to do , you and Sami will be settling in and adjusting to another way of responsive parenting. Change can be hard for most children, so he will need lots of reassurances.
Remember that there are many ways of being responsive - feeding has worked for you for a long time, but it doesn't mean there are no other ways.

Also important to say that if at any time it doesn't feel right, or you change your mind, it is ok to stop and do what feels right. These strategies will still be open to you whenever you choose to try again. but try not to start and stop the process many times - it can feel unsettling.

What to expect
Night-weaning is not usually quick, easy and free of drama. That is why we have worked in many other points before tackling this. Nevertheless, some children do surprise their parents! But it is sensible to expect several disrupted nights. Sami may plea, beg, negotiate, tug at your clothing, demand, cry and get angry. There may be ugly crying with snot. Usually it can take 3-5 nights of your child asking and protesting. Often the first night is the worse, and then it quickly gets better.

Be warned: It is really usual to see great improvement in the first few nights the on night 4-5, you may see a backslide. This is normal! Stay calm, and don't lose hope

A few tips

When Sami wakes and asks for milk, decide on a gentle soothing phrase you will say - something like: 'Not now sweetheart, we'll have milk in the morning'.
Practise emotion coaching in the day, and use the same language at night (see last weeks tasks)
Validate Sami's feelings: 'I know it's hard. I'm here'.
Offer lots of reassurance and comfort - it's fine to do whatever feels natural; cuddles, stroking, kisses, singing songs, holding, rocking, walking.....
You don't need to make the tear go away. Expressing emotion about this change is normal and understandable. It's not your job to erase the emotion, or distract your child out of it, but do acknowledge that it's hard for your child and provide emotional support through it.
Offer a sip of water if Sami is thirsty, but remember to limit as he will need a trip to the toilet next time he wakes up.
You may want to plan for Malik to sleep with Matteo for a few nights if you are worried it will disturb his sleep.